Mel Edits Trump Speak! (Well, tries to clarify it in a way that makes some sense, anyway).
So, I thought it would be “fun” to start a new category in which we imagine a world where the Trump administration has somewhat of a competent editor (don’t know about the “competent” part, but I’m certainly an editor!) and somewhat unjumble the mass of verbal diarrhea this man utters.
I figured, what better place to start than with Our Dear Leader’s famous “nuclear” speech that he delivered/ vomited at one of his historic cult meetings/ rallies.
Here is the original quote (and yes, it is a single sentence):
“Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart—you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!—but when you're a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it’s four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”
Whew! What a load of… well, we’re going to figure that out! Let’s give it a shot.
I’m going to allow some leeway here because this was dialogue, and not something a person had written for him to read (obviously). So I’ll use terms that, while appropriate in dialogue, may not be appropriate for a general narrative.
Now, I will be preserving the absolute rambling nature of the dialogue. I want to keep the spirit alive! But otherwise, my goal is to simply make this statement coherent. Good luck to me, right? Here we go!
Without further ado, Mel will translate this sentence into some semblance of fucking English. Deep breath. Ok. Here we go!
“Look, I happen to know a lot about the power of nuclear energy. This information has been in my family for years, and the wisdom of nuclear power was handed down to me by my uncle—Dr. John Trump—who was an engineer, a scientist, and a professor.
"That’s another thing that supports my original statement; my genetics. I’m proud of my lineage. I even went to the Wharton School of Finance, so clearly, we’re a family of intellectuals, which should lend more credence to what I’m about to discuss.
"By the way, if you’re a conservative republican, let’s pretend for a moment that I’m a democrat. Maybe even a liberal. Let’s go with liberal here, as I think it best encapsulates this interjection/side point at which I’m getting. If I were a liberal democrat making these statements, those liberals would say I was the sharpest tool in the shed. However, being that I’m a conservative republican espousing these ideas, those liberals certainly do a number trying to spin my words—words they would otherwise find brilliant if they were spoken by a member of their elitist camp. They are. They’re elites. They fancy themselves intellectuals, so to make a point to them, it never hurts for me to throw my credentials into the mix. It’s almost a prerequisite if you want them to hear you out. So that’s why I mention my education and the genius of my uncle. I have to start off with my background; with how diligently studious I was at Wharton; about how I’m a self-made billionaire; that I built a fortune. These all support the idea that hey, maybe I know what I’m talking about. I must mention these things. Otherwise, they’ll discredit me right out of the gate. Because in this atmosphere, as a republican, they’ll dismiss you as some bumbling, idiotic sac of flesh.
"Ok folks. Thanks for staying with me. Back to the topic at hand here. Let’s examine the nuclear deal. I feel as though I was at an advantage thirty-five years ago when my uncle spoke to me on the topic of nuclear power, and thus am in a position to judge the Iran deal accordingly. And, well, to put it in terms that may reduce the significance of just how terrible it is; it’s just a bad deal. It would have been much easier to not make the deal, and not use the deal as a cover to get back those four prisoners. Even when there were only three prisoners, I still thought this was a horrible deal for Obama to make, and now that there are four prisoners, I maintain that opinion. We could have made a much better deal.
"My opinion is that it’s all in who is providing the message. The lives of the prisoners weren’t as important as the message. Listen, fellas—and I’m addressing this groups as ‘fellas’, even though the term is outdated, and should be ‘ladies and gentlemen’, because most of us have had trouble figuring out that women can understand things, too, maybe even sometimes better than men can, and it may very well take us another 150 years to figure out how much more intelligent women are—we absolutely could have made a better deal, but guess what? Obama was fooled by the persuasive negotiating powers of Iran and the Persians. Turns out, they’re great negotiators, and in that deal, they became the winners, and you know what that makes us, right? The losers. Well, if I had any say in it, we would have been the winners, folks.”
That was the best I could do. Honestly, there were parts where I had to guess.
Ok! That covers the first installment of “Mel Edits Trump Speak!
(Well, tries to clarify it in a way that makes some sense, anyway).”! Stay tuned for more, and if you have a Trump quote you’d like me to translate into English, feel free to email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org!