Mel Edits TrumpSpeak (well, tries to clarify it in a way that makes some sense, anyway).
Hi, four people who read my blog! I’ve got another treat for you today. This was sent to me via, well, my pretty good brain when I found it online somewhere. This was something Our Dear Leader said at a rally in… Montana? I want to say? I’m not sure. Doesn’t matter. One of those ego-boosting trips he makes where he vaguely pretends he has an agenda than having other super old white people stare at him while he rambles on about his “accomplishments” and constantly relives election night.
So here’s the original quote:
“They never say I’m a great speaker,” Trump bellowed, pointing at the media attending the rally. “Why the hell do so many people come? It’s got to be something. I guess they like my policy?”
“I have broken more Elton John records, he seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. Because you know, look I only need this space. They need much more room. For basketball, for hockey and all of the sports, they need a lot of room. We don’t need it. We have people in that space. So we break all of these records. Really we do it without like, the musical instruments. This is the only musical: the mouth. And hopefully the brain attached to the mouth. Right? The brain, more important than the mouth, is the brain. The brain is much more important.”
Jesus Christ. I don’t… this isn’t easy. Why did I pick this?
I’ll try it. Keep in mind, this is dialogue, so while yes, I will edit it, I’m not perfecting it. There’s no perfecting this shit. I’m simply trying to make it sensical for the average person. I try to preserve the rambling, the interjections, the self-aggrandizing. Because that’s who he is and that’s what he does. So while I’m editing, I’m approaching it like I would any work of fiction (or non-fiction, really); go by the book until it interferes with the personality/ “artistry” of the original source. Ugh.
Well, here goes nothing:
“You know, folks. No one credits me for how great of an orator I am. Especially the media. They don’t cover that. Well, I suppose I’d ask them: ‘If I don’t inspire crowds, why the hell are there so many people here?’ Perhaps they like my policies?
“I’ll tell ya, they like something. Perhaps it’s that I’ve broken more records than Elton John; in a different context of course. And he’s broken a lot of them. He’s created a lot of them, also. But Elton John has access to some of the greatest talent out there to support him. He has beautiful instruments and backup singers. He has an orchestra. He speaks to people through his voice, but he has a lot of help when it comes to enhancing his performance. What do I have? Well, I don’t have a guitar. I don’t have an organ or any other instrument that would emotionally sway an audience. I don’t have performers and artists to put on a show; to entertain.
“Yet here I am. I’ve broken virtually every record out there, politically speaking. I’m one of a kind. A different beast altogether, and of course I’m never credited for that. For this crowd I’ve gathered using only my words.
“Another thing Elton John — and this applies to sports as well — has when they draw a crowd is empty space. Well, look around, folks. There isn’t that much empty space here. They require a lot more room than we do. We don’t need empty space. We don’t need it because we have the people to fill what would be their empty spaces.
“So we break all of the records, and while even some of the greatest entertainers alive must do the very same thing (the record-breaking) with instruments and showmanship, my instrument of choice is my lips. My brain. How the two connect to create some of the most beautiful sounds in the world. And we’ve got some great brains in the crowd tonight. More important than my words, are our collective beliefs and their individual strength. Those beliefs are what bolster us; what raise us higher than the Elton Johns of the world. Our music is our words. They fail to credit me for the amazing quality of my speeches and the energy it generates. Because they’re haters and losers, folks. I’m doing something right. If I weren’t, no one would attend my rallies. Obviously, the common folk appreciate the narrow range of my vocabulary, so who’s to say what makes a good speaker? I’d say it’s a person who breaks records, draws crowds, and has the greatest electoral victory of all time.
“But will the fake news acknowledge that? Nah.”
OK, so maybe I editorialized a bit there at the end (and throughout the whole thing). Whoops. I figured that last statement was implicit, anyway.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this installment of “Mel Edits TrumpSpeak (well, tries to clarify it in a way that makes some sense, anyway).”!
If you have a particularly challenging quote by Our Dear Leader that you would like me to translate into something that resembles English, feel free to email me at email@example.com!
(And yes, I check for authenticity. Oddly enough, the most unbelievable quotes are always actual quotes).